I am 1 in 4

 

Exactly one month ago, our future as we were planning for with such excitement came to a crashing halt. I became 1 in 4 women, this was my first pregnancy and it ended in a miscarriage.

I had a pulling in my heart to share our story to honor our baby and to possibly help other women going through a miscarriage. Personally for me just reading about how other women were experiencing the same struggle and how they healed over time really helped me get through that first week. Some of this might be “too real” for you, if you can’t handle what a woman's body is capable of than please don’t feel the need to read anymore.

Did you know 1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage? Well I didn’t until it became apart of our story and maybe that’s because it’s a subject we don’t really know how to talk about. I never knew how painful miscarriage was… especially the physically pain. The cramping, the lower back pain, the bleeding… so much bleeding, no one ever tells you about the pain even after the day of the miscarriage. (mind you I had a natural miscarriage, not a D&C so I can’t speak to that process)

It started in the afternoon with mild cramps (which are totally normal so I wasn’t trying to stress) but than the pain was getting stronger and reached all around me with sharp lower back pain. I tried to stay calm and decided to just go lay down thinking maybe relaxing would help. But it didn’t. The pain was just getting worse and I felt a lot of pressure to pee. Really the only time it felt a little better was when I was peeing. That’s when I saw the blood and knew this couldn’t be normal. I called Cam to get home right away and we went to the Emergency room. The pain was just getting worse with time, when finally (over an hour after going to the ER) we get taken back to a room where a doctors sees us. She wanted to make sure I get an ultrasound first before anything else because I was passing large clots. During a ER ultrasound the tech can’t say anything to you and there is no one else aloud in the room with you… as if my mind wasn’t drowning enough in emotions and thoughts the silence in that room could have killed me alone! (I later learned by law they aren’t aloud to say anything about the results) After just glancing at her face, just trying desperately for a shimmer of hope, I knew it wasn’t good news. Our baby was gone.

Once I got back to our room every minute felt like an hour just waiting to hear back from the doctor, in my heart I knew my baby wasn’t there anymore, but we needed to hear the actual words from a doctor to know this was real. “This is real. This was really happening to us. We lost our baby.” is what I was repeating in my head over and over again until we finally got home.

{A little side note, during this time Cam was also covered with poison oak and then the weekend after the miscarriage he sprained his foot… so it was a VERY tough two weeks for us}

The time seems to go by so slow after this stage of life, spending the days and nights googling and searching forums to seek some light during this dark time. Personally for us, we gave all our pain to God and he filled our hearts with hope for our future that one day will include children. I Found hope in His arms and that gave me the strength everyday little by little. This challenging time made me realize there is only so much that I can control in life, but I know He is good and His plan for us is all that matters! It’s that hope that I want to hold onto for the next time we are pregnant, even though it will never be the same as that excitement we felt with is baby because no other pregnancy will ever replace the one that was born to heaven.  

Although at times grief made me want to blame myself I know I did everything right and there was nothing I could have done different, but that our baby just wasn’t strong enough to thrive.

You were only here for 7 short weeks, but we loved you more than we could ever know Skyler.

“When it hurts the most, I try to remember the only thing my baby knew of this life was my true and unconditional love”

 
Stacie Gonzalez